Too tired to live, too tired to die

Every time I stop and look deeply into myself, I can’t see a reason that would motivate me to live. I can get to this point, no matter how hard I try, and no matter what kind of drugs (= medications) I put in my mouth.

I really wanted to die when I was 15, but I’ve failed, obviously. This was my breaking point when I’ve decided to live, no matter what.
Or better to survive. After all those years, I still have absolutely no energy when it comes to do a bit more, to live. All I can do is survive a little longer. I want to die on a daily basis for quite a while now. But I have way too many people in my life that just don’t allow me to. The feeling of guilt towards them is a tiny bit stronger than my will to die. I can imagine how hard would it be for me if some of my close ones would commit suicide. So this is not an option.

If I was a cancer patient I would probably at some point gain the right to die through euthanasia. In some countries. I’m thinking a lot about this. And how can I show to doctors that my mental pain is so big that my mental mess is comparable or even worse than cancer. I am stuck between life and death for so long that I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve met all of my humble goals and have no energy to set any new ones.

Many people are trying to help me and I’m really thankful for that.

When it comes to death, I wish I’d have better options than suicide. Don’t we all deserve a peaceful death? But in my country this kind of help is not even legal…

Anybody else with thoughts like this? What can you do when you’re too tired to live, and to tired to die?

27 Replies to “Too tired to live, too tired to die”

  1. If only we could die…

    Many old souls are tired beyond young soul comprehension simply because we never die and life has gone on for far too long for many of us.

    Which is also why many of us are snapping and going crazy through that knowledge and feeling.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Until there is a want, a desire to live and a desire to die, you’ll be in pain. It’s hard as hell but believe that the time to leave will come. Until then live not for yourself but for others. Help others and deep down, your life and death both will have some meaning.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You (or may not) want to take a look at the Peaceful Pill Handbook. https://www.scribd.com/document/380820017/The-Peaceful-Pill-Handbook-pdf-2018-October-edition-free-download

    I have a copy which I have not yet read in any depth. I go through periods as bleak as those that you go through although I am lucky enough to have these interspersed with some good times. This past week has been very bad for me. I have thought about suicide many times over the years – sometimes my desire for the ultimate peace has been stronger, sometimes weaker.

    Psychedelics are an option worth looking at but I am sure you are up to speed with all the research at UCL and John Hopkins. Perhaps they are legal in your jurisdiction but I am making no recommendation. they seem to do wonders for some people.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s something I’ve thought about as well. My country has laws allowing medical assistance in dying, but not for mental illness. It sort of comes along with the presumption that the pain of mental illness is temporary, and just because it won’t kill us (except by suicide) it’s not a serious enough condition. I don’t think an assisted suicide free-for-all is the answer, but I really believe something more humane should be available for those of us living with chronic mental illness.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I have shared a song from the new movie, Frozen 2, of all things, with a friend who suffers from serious bipolar disorder. She said she LOVED it and it’s like a new theme song for her. If you are able to look it up, it’s called “The Next Right Thing”, it’s touching, but it’s not overly sweet and sugary. For Disney, it’s a blunt look at depression.

    My other resource I would point you to would be “Better Than Happy”, a podcast by Jody Moore. I have been listening to her for over a year, and I have to say it’s better than therapy. I didn’t get it at first, and the ideas have been building in me slowly.

    If you don’t connect with Jody’s cheery style, her mentor was Brooke Castillo, and Brooke podcasts as well, in a more “no-BS” kind of style.

    I used to be AFRAID to be happy, because that meant the down times were coming. Now I can be aware that bad times most likely are coming, but not push back against it so hard. I can now believe that bad can be lived through. I know I can face a tsunami and not drown. I would not have figured that would be part of being a happier person. That’s why toward 2019 I started blogging, and now I’m training to be a life coach too, because I never could have believed such transformational was possible, even in the midst of everything around me staying exactly the same.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I feel like I can understand a bit of what you’re saying here. I think, from my perspective, there are two states of being, living and dying. Just that, there is nothing good or bad about either. But living is something more preferable. Because it is more exciting, so many experiences that we get everyday.
    On the other hand dying is just …not existing.
    Something as trivial as writing something is an experience. If someone tells me tomorrow that I will not exist and thus never be able to write anything again, it would be very saddening for me.

    Liked reading your post. Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you very much for this interesting post! I really enjoyed reading your perspective and learning from your understanding! I have recently published an article on my blog about my opinion on euthanasia and whether it should be legal. If you have time, it would be great if you could check out my article as I would be really interested to hear your thoughts! Thanks 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Just keep on living.
    Quitting doesn’t solve anything. Your transformational/recovery process may be slow, but giving up on it wouldn’t change anything. Life doesn’t get easier, you just have to get stronger. I know this sounds strange, but I prayed for you last night, and will continue to do so. 🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I feel this exact way most days. Having chronic depression is exhausting and honestly I have lost friends and family over it because after awhile people don’t get why you can’t just “be happy.” But my true friends and husband get it and just kind of roll with my moods and help me get through it. I hang on for them because I know it would hurt them if I was gone. But the thoughts are always there. So I let them be and I work around them to get through the next minute, hour, etc.

    Hang in there friend. It sounds like you still have a purpose and a story to tell ♥️

    Like

    1. I’m sorry to hear that. It’s hard when people turn away, I can understant that. Thanks for the encouraging words. I wish you the same. You sound like a really strong person, even though you might not see yourself as one sometimes. Thanks for stopping by 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  10. My heart breaks for you. I don’t know what you’ve had to endure. But there are brighter days ahead. Depression is a dangerous illness. It convinces us there is no hope. But that is a lie. Young people especially have their whole lives ahead of them. Do not give up. Life is worth living. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I’ve been where you’re at, even tried to OD (and failed, obviously)… It took me about a year to recover from it, to start to feel better, to make a start on living a bit more healthy again. It took me quite some effort to find my will to live again. I had a pet who helped me through most of it. Without her, I don’t know if I’d still be around. No one can really tell you what you need to do, all I can say is that there might come better days for you, it might just take a while. Good luck! 🍀

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.